Person jokes
When someone falls, you say to them, "I remember when I started to learn to walk."
You're tiny!
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels! We'll see him soon.
What do you call a person who tries to get you on a dating website... a Brodie.
Ali A's face.
That one
You’re the type of person who would pee before a shower.
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Random person: Why?
You: To get to the idiot's house!
Random person: What?
You: Knock knock.
Random person: Who's there?
You: The chicken.
Symptoms of Schizophrenia
The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:
Delusions
Hallucinations
I was in the car, and I got out and saw a deer walking sexy, and I'm like, "What the..."
During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.
I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.
Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”
My friend was the only one who laughed.
So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.
Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.
Anyways, she cried lol.
I'm doing a new thing where you say an object in the comments, and I will try to make a joke based off the object.
If you are interested, you can submit an object in the comments.
I will give the person credit each joke I do.
Bill Cosplay
Why be homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist when you can be quiet?
What kind of person will steal Captain Hook's hook?
Answer: A hooker.
I'M SHORTTT!
"Watch out, there's an iceberg!"
Other person: "We will be fine."
10 minutes later, drowns, says, "We will be fine."
What do you call a black person?
Black.
I can't sleep, that's because you're dead.
Why did Spencer eat cheese?
Because he was Jewish.