Person jokes
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
Ashton Parkes.
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."
Person: You're so ugly.
Me: You ugly.
Person: I'm not a mirror.
Me: And I'm not your reflection.
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.
Alright class, the person who answers my next question gets to go home.
Then a guy throws a pencil. The teacher asks, "Who threw that pencil?" "I did, I get to go home."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stephen.
Can't you read? It says "No Hawking."
Stephen Hawking had a high I.Q., but still had to learn how to be disabled.
On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.
Like if you meet someone emo.
Orphan: Have you seen my mommy?
Person: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes?
Person: SON SON??? IS THAT YOU MY LOVE?
Orphan: MOTHER!
Person: Let's go home!
Orphan: Uhhhh
*She was never to be seen again*
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? You're not dead.
How to kick a deaf person off the plane:
Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.
Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.
Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.
Like if you know someone is emo.
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true, and then the person is a victim for sure.
You're cheap; no one even pays attention.
You’re looking pretty rough this evening. You look like if sweatpants were a person.
I'm Black, when a cop sees me, he shoots.
What do you call a cow who's personality is down to Earth?
Ground beef.