Perception jokes
When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.
I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.
He said it was the most violent book he ever read.
Dark humor is like water: some people get it, and some people don't.
Wanna hear a joke?
Look in the mirror; I'm sure you'll find one there :')
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I remember waving at this guy in the street. The a**hole didn't wave back... Come to think of it, he was also swinging around a weird stick.
Why can't blind people fish?
Because it was "see food."
When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...
But they know you're blind.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
Do you know that Helen Keller had a dog?
Neither did she.
I thought that kid was walking cool when I had my ears shut. It turns out he was moaning.
My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."
What problems might a blind child run into?
A wall.
So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,
"Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
I thought fruit tasted good. I guess I was wrong.
Yo mama so ugly, she looked in the mirror and it broke.
Yo hairline is so crooked it makes your gay best friend look straight.
Yo mama so fat she got married by 20 men, but they think there's only one side of her! I tried making one of my own.