Paper jokes

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

Why did the pen stop writing?

'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.

What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!

You like to draw? Because I like the MD, raw :)

Your hairline went back faster than your adoption papers!

I have a joke about paper. It's tearable.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Why are emos like paper?

They cut easily.

When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"

You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind, it's tearable.

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

Toothbrush says, "I have the worst job ever."

Toilet paper says, "You think your job is shitty."

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

What do you call a blank piece of paper?

Women's rights.

You're so poor you put paper cutlery in the dishwasher.

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

Yo, so poor that you wash your paper plates and cutlery in a kids' dishwasher.

I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.