Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.
I'm lookin' for some good jokes for the best song award. Can y'all help a fellow out?
I went scuba diving last year. It was fun, but at the end, I ran out of oxygen.
It was a breathtaking experience.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick. Get your head out of the gutters... Jeez!
I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.
I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.
Why did the cheetah get kicked out of poker?
'Cause he was a cheetah.
There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.
Why can't orphans go on field trips? Parents' signature: _______
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."
- JFK
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
I asked a emo kid if they wanna hang out.
Why did Michael Jackson dangle a baby over a balcony?
He wanted to clean out the blanket.
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and you're American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
