Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.
They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.
I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
What is it called when a bull lies about other bulls?
Bullying.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
"You guys have no life!"
What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
