When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" and the other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Two pedophiles meet each other. Then one asks if he wanted to trade "2 of 5" for "1 of 10?"
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
Two fish walked into a wall. One said to the other, "Dam!"
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
To get to the other preschool.
Two pedophiles talking to each other:
"Do you got two fives for one ten?"
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledge hammer, and the other is just a watermelon.
If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
What did one Justin say to the other Justin?
- Fuck you.
What did one negative say to the other negative? Together we can make a positive.
What did the atom say to the other atom?
"Did you see the new Tron movie?"
What did the Queen Bee say to the other bees? "Beehive yourselves!"
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
I fucked a Pokemon the other day. It is dead now.
