There's something on your chin. No, not that one, the third row.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.
What sort of file turns a one inch hole into a two inch hole?
A pedophile.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One will make your day, and the other will make your hole weak.
One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla? One of them is fat and hairy, while the other one has a functional brain (the gorilla, of course).
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
What's the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?
One makes your day and one makes your whole week.
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.
What's the best thing about an abortion joke??
No one gets offended.
