One jokes
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One will make your day, and the other will make your hole weak.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla? One of them is fat and hairy, while the other one has a functional brain (the gorilla, of course).
What's the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?
One makes your day and one makes your whole week.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."
What does a one-night stand have in common with earthquakes? You never know how long they'll last.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
What has four legs and one arm? A doberman at the playground.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
What do orphans and garbage have in common?
They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.
When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."
"Have you taken a bath?"
"No. Why, did one go missing?"