I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.
These three men wanted to start a band. One had the idea to call them the Rolling Stones, one wanted to call them the Veggies, the other said, "Let's be the Cripples," as they all rolled away.
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
What is the difference between Bin Laden and Santa? One stops at the top of the skyscraper.
People complain we are overpopulated.
Well, then if we committed suicide, then why do they be sad? It's one less person to think about. Why complain about it when in the end we become sad people?
What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
Answer: They both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!
Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?
Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were on a falling airplane. There were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world,” so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually there are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”
Say this out loud: Alpha Kenny One.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.
So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"
What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
I stole one's balls.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.
Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."
So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.
So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
