One jokes

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Fortnite is like America... At one time it was good and free. Now it's neither.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?

Ones that contain nuts.

What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.