One jokes

A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

Fortnite is like America... At one time it was good and free. Now it's neither.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.

Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.

What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.

What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?

Ones that contain nuts.

What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.