One jokes

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

Q: What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

A: One got to finish a race.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Fortnite is like America... At one time it was good and free. Now it's neither.

A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?

Ones that contain nuts.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.