One jokes

Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."

On 9/11, the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas. One came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

What pool never runs dry?

The one on the Titanic.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

What’s the difference between a bullet and a Jew?

One comes out of the chamber.

I was gonna roast you about your chin, but I didn't know which one to talk about.

A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?

A: Wanna hang out?

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

Wanna hear somethin' ironic?

When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.