One jokes
One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
Which way do gay men walk?
One Direction.
LEGO Ninjago - I like it, okay?
Which of the ninja would be best for an undercover mission as the person in disguise?
Kai. He just has to leave his hair down and no one would know it was him. He uses hair gel, as Cole has said a couple times I think, because his hair looks like fire 🔥!
What is the difference between cunnilingus and a confused Parisian tourist?
One lapses into French, the other Frenches into laps.
What's the difference between a used condom and the UCP?
The condom was actually useful at one point.
You tell your dad what one plus one is and he says five. You forgot that your dad's brain is on the floor.
I have a green ball in one hand and one in the other. What am I holding?
Shrek's dick.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.
Why was the orphan so successful?
When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.
Why do orphans like boomerangs more than their parents? The boomerang comes back.
One day I saw a kid cry, so I go, "Let's go find your parents." I miss my job at the orphanage.
Why do orphans get lost on boats? They can't find the home room.
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"
*School Shooter Walks In*
That one kid who plays "Pumped Up Kicks" at max volume.
One thing you can ask Mario:
"Can you jump up and down for me?"
A pair of Newfoundlanders, watching TV, saw endless big-budget advertisements for mass-produced American beer.
One Newfie turns to the other and says, "They say that stuff is the biggest seller in the States, but I don't see what the big deal is." So they buy a bottle, pour it into a plain jar and decide to get an expert opinion.
They send a sample to a lab in St. John's to have it analyzed.
A day later, the lab results come back: "Your horse has diabetes."
What does a ripped jacket and a golfer have in common?
They both have a hole in one.
What’s the difference between a basketball player and an orphan?
One has a home to run to.
What did one ballsack say to another?
"You stay here, I'll go pee."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.
No one who?
No one who?
"If you yeet one thing that has been yoted, the yeet gods will help you" - Chris Tyson, MrBeast's friend, and your mom >:)