One jokes

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."

How are Tinder and orphans alike?

You swipe left till you find the one you like.

How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, cause they'll screw anything.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Best way to trick your friends:

A brick falls out of a plane.

How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.

Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.

Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.

One thing you can ask Mario:

"Can you jump up and down for me?"

One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

It's sad someone has ligma.

Why can’t orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "daddy".

A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.

The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:

"Num num num num num!"

Pick up lines.

"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"

"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

A man walked into a zoo and there was only one dog.

He came out and said, "It was a shitzu."

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

If someone says 67 one more time, I'll say 9/11 and swoop right under their feet like the Twin Towers.

A small, nervous woman steps into a hotel elevator in Las Vegas.

At the next floor, three large, burly men step in. The woman is immediately intimidated and clutches her purse tightly.

Suddenly, one of the men says in a deep voice: "Hit the floor!"

Terrified that she is about to be robbed, the woman drops her bags and collapses face down onto the floor of the elevator, cowering in fear.

The men burst out laughing and help the bewildered woman up. The speaker apologizes profusely and says: "No, ma'am, I meant hit the button for our floor!"

The next morning, the woman receives a massive bouquet of roses and has her entire hotel bill paid for. Attached is a note that says: "Thanks for the best laugh I've had in years."

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.