One jokes

All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.

What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.

So, on one partly cloudy night, there was a boy and his dad gazing up at the sky.

Dad: Aren't the stars just wonderful?

Boy: I'm not sure, from my angle, all I see are clouds.

Dad: Well, come over here and take a look.

Boy: Damn, the clouds always move when I get to the right spot!

Dad: Well then, I guess I will have to make you see them everywhere you look then.

Then the Dad shook and spun the boy around till he said...

NOW I'M SEEING STARS!!!

Why can’t orphans f*ck their mom?

Because they don’t have one.

Why have kids? Just go get one now, no nine-month delay.

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do you call one baby in ten trashcans?

Chopped Junior!

What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?

One had the last supper.

"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.

I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?

1 scent.

I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?

2 pears.

I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?

3 coppers.

I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?

4 Lincolns.

I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?

NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!

What did one ghost say to another ghost?

"You're boo-tiful!"

How are Tinder and orphans alike?

You swipe left till you find the one you like.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

What did one sea say to the other sea? Nothing, it just waved.

One random YouTube comment in 2018: "Soon, a virus will come to Earth."

A year later: "Pahahahahah that comment is fake lmaoooo ahahahha!"

Another year later: "Time to die a painful death."

Another year later: "God has come with the cure!"

What did one cheek say to the other cheek?

"It is a squash in here!"

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."

I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.

Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.