Old jokes

An old man walks in a forest with a child, and the child says, "It's dark, and I'm scared." The old man says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out alone."

The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There’s twenty of them!

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.

I like my cigars like I like my women:

Seven years old coming from Cuba in a burlap sack.

Hey guys, how was your day?

If you ask me the same question, here's the answer: depressing.

I still haven't made any friends on this app. All I do is read and comment on old jokes or opinions.

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

Tell an old person to pretend [they are] shaking salt in their mouth... you'll see!

Your forehead goes back to when Burger King was Burger Prince.

Dr. Fauci would be surprised to know that R. Kelly didn't catch COVID-19.

But since COVID is 19, it's too old for him.

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”

My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now

9 year olds can consent. That’s like 18 divided by 2.

In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.

They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"

The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."

I like my women like a day: 24 year olds. 24 hours of fun.

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Steve!"

"Steve who?"

Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.