Occupation jokes
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
Why did the hooker quit her job?
She had a nut allergy.
What do you call an orphan who grows up to become a priest?
Father Les.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
What do you call a school bus driver that keeps going to sleep? A monster.
How many Lowe’s could Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s?
We gotta work ahead, people!
What do you call a private nun?
Nun-o-yo-business.
Why are the candy's clothes in the studio?
Because it's a wrapper.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts."
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
To have someone to call "daddy!"
What's the difference between a humorous bully and a small van driver? One takes the Mickey, the other takes the Minnie.
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he knew how to mix up some beats!
Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.
Why do rappers make great fishermen?
They always have the best HOOKS.
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? -- A pimp.
A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
3.14% of sailors are... π-rates.