How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.
What's the difference between your dad and the mailman? Nothing.
What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
What did the chocolate dentist say to the other chocolate dentist? Did you "chip" a tooth?
A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.
The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”
So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
I've done a ton of work today.
A SKELE-ton of work!
I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.
They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.
Why didn't the pirate write a letter to his mom?
Are you kidding me?!?
Your mom is so fat, they asked if she was a sumo wrestler.
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
Why are the people that get your order at restaurants called waiters? They don't wait for the food; we wait for the food. They should be called "note takers." They take notes for food.
Your forehead is so big, Mr. Clean thought he would hire you!
What do dentists play at their practice?
Dental records.
Why did the rapper become a carpenter?
To NAIL his performances!
What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?
Cauliflower.
Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"
