Object jokes
I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
"Can I throw you away? You look like my trash can. Oh, wait, you *are* my trash can."
What does my arm have in common with paper?
They both can be cut.
What’s green, fuzzy, and falls out of a tree? A pool table.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What is yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of kids.
What's the difference between a baby and putty?
You can only eat one.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What is similar between a ton of kids and some boxes?
Both of those are commonly found in basements.
I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?
Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.
Student: Ok!!
Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?
Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.
Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.
Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.
Why do tables never need wheelchairs? Because even without the ‘t’ they are still able.
What's long, black, and sticky?
A stick.
What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?
A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.
What do you call a cute door?
Adoorable.