Now jokes

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire.

Now we call him hot wheels.

Are you serious right now, bro?

My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.

(Again, credits to my really funny friend)

sad sad sad

now you laugh and like

thank you!

What goes up stairs but doesn't move? Stairs! Laugh now!

Genders are a lot like the Twin Towers.

There used to be two, but now it’s just a sensitive topic.

Roses are red, my toaster too,

Oh shit, I've burnt the house down, what do I do?

Me: Am actually happy right now.

Life: Lol one sec.

Why would you not let an elephant sleep in the same bed with you?

Because they stink and now the room smells like elephant shit.

Why have kids? Just go get one now, no nine-month delay.

Q. What kind of school does an ice cream man go to?

A. Sunday school!

Psst! Don't understand? Well, "Sunday" sounds like "Sundae." Get it now? Nope? Sorry. Plus, it's an ice cream homophone joke.

What did the undershirt say to the T-shirt when they were fighting?

"If you don't shut up right now, you're gonna lose your shirt!!!"

Get it?

What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?

"It won't be long now..."

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

Two planes crashed into two separate towers.

Now two towers crash into two separate planes.

This is a big joke, so yeah, you can't tell me what to do. This joke is funny, so laugh, okay?

Now that you're done laughing, let me say a joke... Get it? There was no joke! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahhaha lololol so funny, I'm ninja!

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock who?" "Can you let me in now?"

"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!