Now jokes

I really wanna hit you right now, but that would be animal abuse.

For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents.

That’s unfair! Now the man only has 30 cents!

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

Oh, you're jealous now.

What goes up stairs but doesn't move? Stairs! Laugh now!

Me: Am actually happy right now.

Life: Lol one sec.

Why would you not let an elephant sleep in the same bed with you?

Because they stink and now the room smells like elephant shit.

Why have kids? Just go get one now, no nine-month delay.

Q. What kind of school does an ice cream man go to?

A. Sunday school!

Psst! Don't understand? Well, "Sunday" sounds like "Sundae." Get it now? Nope? Sorry. Plus, it's an ice cream homophone joke.

What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?

"It won't be long now..."

What did the undershirt say to the T-shirt when they were fighting?

"If you don't shut up right now, you're gonna lose your shirt!!!"

Get it?

This is a big joke, so yeah, you can't tell me what to do. This joke is funny, so laugh, okay?

Now that you're done laughing, let me say a joke... Get it? There was no joke! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahhaha lololol so funny, I'm ninja!

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!

Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?

Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.

Dad: She had to take the deep penis.

Son: Umm...... WHAT!?

Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.

Dad: Oh for god's sakes.

Dad: Epi Pen.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sourpuss.

Yo mama's so fat, she was overthrown by a small militia group, and now she's known as the Republic of Yo Mama.

"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!

If you are friendly on a game, should I will kill you in the game? You should say, "Will, if you did kill me, I will tell my more friendly to ban you from the game." The friendly should [ask], "What you got?" Friendly on the game [replies], "Jack, you are not my friendly, the all friendly you be ban, if you don't get it, will have fun." If you don't like the text, I am come for you. Ok, now like it, the end.