Now jokes

Birthday

    • I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

    Arson

    • Why is arson so fun?

    IT'S A FIRE ACTIVITY!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAPAHAAHAHIIRTAASIISISISHRNHHTHTHTHHNHSHSNIHTAHE

    Day 83 of being trapped in þis room. I made a language. I call it hertof. I speak wiþ þe walls now.

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    • Table

    • A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."

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    • Now memes

    Lottery

    • I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

    I now have $999,999.75.

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    • Woman

    • A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

    I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

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    • Class

    • Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.

    Class: No one stands up.

    Teacher: Oh, c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *teacher waves her finger around the left side of the room.*

    Little Johnny: *stands up.*

    Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?

    Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

    Hunter

    • Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.

    Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”

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    • Family

    • "Ethan is gay," you say that, but first, who asked? And second, where's your mum at? Correction, where's your family, so how dare you? Now in the comments say sorry, or I'm coming for you! 😡😡😜😝

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    • Kid

    • I was driving when I saw a kid chasing after a ball, but I didn’t have enough time to slow down. Then I pulled over, and the dad yelled, "What the fuck did you do?" I looked into the street and saw the ball completely deflated and the kid crying, "Now I gotta hear him bitch and moan all day," he continues.

    Nerd

    • Bruh, who likes Dhar Mann nowadays? That shit is ass AF. And it's just legit shit like only nerds that are fatherless would watch that shit.

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    • Girl

    • The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

    One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

    “No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

    “Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

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    • Eye

    • A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

    Sister

    • SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

    Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

    Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

    My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

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