Now jokes

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

Anyone want to eat me up? I'm in that kind of mood right now.

Yo mama so fat I can see where you got in from now.

Genders are like the Twin Towers because there used to be two, now it's just a sensitive subject.

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

Imagine there's a funny joke here... imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you're schizophrenic.

It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!

My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now

What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?

When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.

"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves?

"I'm not a-moosed right now."

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”

Wife: “ok... what is it?”

Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”

Yo mama's so fat, she was overthrown by a small militia group, and now she's known as the Republic of Yo Mama.

Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sourpuss.