Not jokes

You're so fat that when you got on the scales, they said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."

So I said, "But which one?"

Knock, knock.

Who is there?

Old lady.

Old lady who?

I did not know you could yodel!

Stranger: Do you want a lollipop?

Kid: No, I hate lollipops, so yeah, and you are not my daddy.

Do not roast. *sigh in depression*

Brendon, just shut up, no one was talking to you on the fucking joke! And my sis is not a female dog. If she was, then how the hell would she spell!

Stop with dumb orphan jokes, you dumb ass people!!!!!!!!!!

They're not funny one bit, so stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there was this girl and her horse would not stop following her, so she said, "Stop horsing around!"

Get it? "Horse-ing."

One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.

Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?

Because he was too stuffed.

If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

I help suicidal people.

BTW verb not adjective.

What do you call a girl with no legs? Sarah.

What do you call an Olympic gold medalist skiing? Not Sarah.

A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.

I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...

Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?

Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.

Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!

Me: You can't kick me out.

Manager: Why not? Huh?

Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.

Why did Sarah fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sarah.

This website is cruel and is NOT funny.

Dad, why are we here?

Because you're not loved.

Tyler M is not to be sitting in the chair he is right now.

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."