News jokes
I thought gender reveal parties were only for newborns, not for teenagers.
What's the difference between you and me?
I have a plan for this new year.
So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.
I got the new phone with longer lasting battery, but it still lasts longer than your relationships, ooooooooooo!
I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.
I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your mom's house.
Knock knock.
You: Who's there?
Your new father!
Did you know that McDonald's have a new McScully burger?
It's a 59-year-old piece of meat in a 2-year-old bun.
Aaaah, I really wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor...
I really need some new parts to my go-kart.
I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
Me in 2078 when the COVID-19 delta alpha theta beta cya layta alligayta nlgga chungus sussy deef clussy sussy bussy cunnybrap variant comes out and I need to stay in lockdown for another 2 years with my new mandated virus stopper buttplug 9000.
Orphan: Where are my parents?
God: New York City.
Orphan: But they used to live in China.
I am looking for a Robert "Jamie" Weber. He is a friend of mine from 3rd grade that welcomed me as the new kid. I am currently in 6th grade going into 7th grade (summer brake).
Teacher: We have a new student. He's an orphan.
Student: Oof.
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Student: His parents.
Brings a whole new meaning to brotherly love.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!
I love my new phone.
What can read 105 stories in ten seconds?
New Yorkers.
What time is it when you eat a Christmas tree?
Time to get a new Christmas tree! 🎄
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.
Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.
Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!
Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel!
Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀