My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Why was the new gamer mad when they were playing Overwatch?
Because gamer girl WAS ALREADY TRACER.
I need to get new shoes; one of these isn’t right.
Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?
Well, I just can't seem to put it down.
Jake, tommy, and mike were adopted. Jake got adopted, tommy got adopted and mike. Mike grew up to be a office worker. So you get a new job, and here something about this guy named mike, The next day you go into the office and mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and Rainbows and stuff, then, a co-worker comes up and says “No one told you mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY!!
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
So you get a new job, and here's something about this guy named Mike.
The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY *clap clap clap clap*."
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
What is Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?
The New York Jets.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.
Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.
Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.
Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.
Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.
Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.
Kid: It's not an Apple product.
Indian poor dad: It's a banana.
Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.
have you heard about the new movie with steven hawkings as the star? its called unplugged.
