News jokes

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

What's a furry's favorite news network?

Fox!

Today, I invented a new word: "plagiarism."

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Salman Rushdie got a new book out.

It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."

Yo' mama sometimes always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: "Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I can't eat clam chowder no more. I gotta see the cyborg menu, you understand?"

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

I was gonna tell a rumor about butter, but I don’t want to spread it.

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

Why did the chicken go to the mall?

To get new feathers!

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu. You get what you deserve!

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"

Dad: Hey, have you seen that new movie, "Constipation"?

Son: No.

Dad: It hasn't come out yet.

What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?

Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"