I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.
News Jokes
He dead, he alive, but most importantly, he got a new hard drive.
Did you hear about the new doggy condos?
Apparently they are now releasing!
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."
What's a furry's favorite news network?
Fox!
Today, I invented a new word: "plagiarism."
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Salman Rushdie got a new book out.
It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."
Yo' mama sometimes always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: "Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I can't eat clam chowder no more. I gotta see the cyborg menu, you understand?"
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
I was gonna tell a rumor about butter, but I don’t want to spread it.
I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.
Why did the chicken go to the mall?
To get new feathers!
I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.
My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
