How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says "I have some good news and bad news" so the patient says "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies "I have had to amputate both your legs" so the patent says "Well what is the good news?" the Doctor replies "I have found someone to buy your slippers".................
So there's Fred and Frank, now they've been 2 friends for years, but Fred see he's depressed. Badly. Either way, so F+F are texting each other and here's how is goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge to harshly)
Frank: Yo Fred: hi... Frank: u heard about de competition? Fred: yeah.... Frank: You wanna hang out? Fred: ....... Frank: what? I've got some noose (news) for you Fred: ... I( Frank: fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan tho. We don't wanna be hanging on the end. Fred: *sigh* you know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
Happy new year 🥳
The doctor and said he had good news and bad news. The Good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is I forgot to call you yesterday.
Did you know that new Teslas don't come with the new car smell?
The come with an Elon Musk.
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Patient: Good news! Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
warner brothers have made a new superman movie with superman being black. this new supermans nickname is the man of steel but its spelt s-t-e-a-l
🎆 New Year's Eve
Lil Johnny👦: „Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight“
Mom👱🏻♀️: „Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?“
Dad👨🏻🦰: „Son, if you don't leave, it‘ll bang on your head!“
me: im home ma heres her with a new dad her: go hang wit someone :me gets the noose goes to fav tree i love you ma 🙂
Disney just released a new film about a poor kid with cancer. It’s called Finding Chemo.
did u hear about the new german microwave? it has ten seats in it
New horror movie idea.
The main character loves anime. The killer yells "Omae wa mou shindeiru." The main character instinctively yells back "NANI???" and is killed.
How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.
Have you heard of the new sequel to "the exorcist"?
A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
What does a broken down vegetable say? I need new wheels.
So I was f*****g this b***h right, and I thought I had aides. So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get aides. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight year old get aides?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato-clock. The shop keeper said, 'I dont know what a potato clock is' The man said, 'me neither but im starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9 so id have to get a potato clock
