Newness jokes

So, my mom looked in the mirror today, and we need a new one.

Have you ever heard about the new virus in China? It's called Hupun.

Hupun DEEZ NUTS!

Have you ever been to the new Disney park called SawCon?

SawCon deez nutz!

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

🚘 What is as old as the earth 🌎 and new every month? The moon.

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

Hi guys, the prankster is back!

I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...

When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!

Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!

I need to get new shoes; one of these isn’t right.

A joker gives Batman a coupon for new parents. It's expired.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.

You can play Jenga in two places now: New York and Miami (Chaplin Towers.) They probably have Jenga tournaments there every year.

It puts a whole new spin on meals on wheels. No pun intended.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

When your plane heads for New York...

How do you scare a lot of people in New York?

Open a mobile hotspot named "Delta Inflight Wifi."

The best football game was the Jets against the Twin Towers.

What did the terrorist do when New York didn’t want his food:

Here comes the airplane.