Newness jokes

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

🚘 What is as old as the earth 🌎 and new every month? The moon.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

Hi guys, the prankster is back!

I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...

When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!

Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID.

None of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

New business idea: let's put a KFC in Africa and a watermelon shop.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

Why didn’t the autistic boy like Minecraft?

There was a new texture pack.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the concert?

Because he wanted to reach new heights in his performance.

I threw a paper airplane at the twin sisters. The teacher was upset. I guess they don't read the news.