Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
Why do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
What do you call a smart pig?
A Swinestein.
Why can't two Asians have a white kid? Because two "wongs" don't make a "white."
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.
Voicemailing.
What’s another name for a cow?
You... cause you're fat.
When I die, I want my body to be cremated.
And fucked! Fucked really hard, papí!! Like a real whore!! Like a real tramp!! Stuff your entire cock in there!!! Uhh!! Uhh!!
It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.
"Hotel Rwanda" has a high score on Rotten Tomatoes, but their Yelp reviews are terrible.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
2 weeks here.
What do dicks and popsicles have in common?
They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.
So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
Why are sex toys something to stuff in your asshole and not a big racecar?
Las Vegas has a new 550-foot-tall Ferris wheel, hoping to gain tourists.
What’s already gaining “tourists”? Whores.
What is a Mexican’s favorite band?
Twenty Juan Pilots.
Son: I love you, Dad.
Dad gets in car and drives away.
What do gum and guns have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.
