What do you call a train that stalls?
The little engine that couldn't!
Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?
Because it has a tender behind.
Why did Sarah call off the swing? Because she has no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sarah.
A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."
Why do orphans have dry cereal?
Because they're still waiting on the milk.
Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.
I like cats.
Alfred the Great was arguably the greatest king in England’s history.
The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker.
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
Why do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
What do you call a smart pig?
A Swinestein.
Why can't two Asians have a white kid? Because two "wongs" don't make a "white."
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.
Voicemailing.
What’s another name for a cow?
You... cause you're fat.
When I die, I want my body to be cremated.
And fucked! Fucked really hard, papí!! Like a real whore!! Like a real tramp!! Stuff your entire cock in there!!! Uhh!! Uhh!!
It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.
"Hotel Rwanda" has a high score on Rotten Tomatoes, but their Yelp reviews are terrible.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
