Never jokes

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Why is April the smartest month?

It can never be fooled.

What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

Your dad never needed a van for you.

What's the best part of being a pedophile? You will never have a wife.

Can you make me a bowl of cereal? Oh wait, your dad never came back with the milk.

Friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Other Friend: Sure.

Friend: Pussy.

Other Friend: I don't get it.

Friend: And you never will.

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

Daughter: Mommy, what ever happened to Steven Hawking?

Mother: He died.

Daughter: How did he die?

Mother: He never got recharged.

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.

A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.

The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"

A short person should never piss off a fat person taller than them. The fat person just has to lean slightly, and it's 9/11 all over again.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

Why are feminist rape claims never taken seriously? Nobody wants to rape fat, hairy gorillas.

Why is the moon always hungry? It is almost never full.

He: "Do you smoke after sex?"

She: "I don't know. I've never looked."

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.

What did one brick say to the other? Never LEGO.