Never jokes
A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.
He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.
The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.
On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.
The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"
Why are feminist rape claims never taken seriously? Nobody wants to rape fat, hairy gorillas.
Why is the moon always hungry? It is almost never full.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
What did one brick say to the other? Never LEGO.
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Never mind, it’s too long.
Why do we never make adult jokes in front of orphans?
Because the joke needs parental guidance.
What type of cookie has an orphan never had? Home made cookies ;)
What's a book never written? Beautiful sights by a mountain, by a rocky hill!
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".
The tree never responded; it left him hanging.
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Why did the car key never fit in?
He was too door key.