I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.
That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?
Want to hear a pizza joke?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. It's a shame they never work!
"Send me back, I never liked you."
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?
Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.
Guy 1: Don't you?
Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.
Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#
**Meow...**
Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
Why can you never find a virgin cow on a field with no bulls for miles? Just ask the redneck farmer.
I see some objects over there... oh, never mind, that's a woman.
Stormtroopers, I guess they never miss, huh?
I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.
AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!
Why did Stephen Hawking cross the street?
He didn’t; he never did.
Why did the car key never fit in?
He was too door key.
Everyone is talking about Head and Shoulders, and that if he never had a shower, his batteries would have got wet.
I'd tell you a joke about infinity, but I'm afraid it will never end.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
