Never Jokes

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?

I've never seen the inside of a mansion.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A man walks into a bar, and says "Ouch!" And the women look at him as if they have never seen a man walk into a bar before.

What is the difference between a kid with cancer and dark humor?

Dark humor never dies!

Want to hear a joke about a guy losing fingers?

Never mind it’s too Pointless

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

Which president has never gone to jail?

Lincoln because he's innocent in a cent, get it?

Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!

Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."

You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.

Why would you never donate to crabs?

Because they're shellfish!

Roses are red.

My soul is black.

I am never getting my dad back.

People are like bean burritos. You can eat them EVERY DAY, but you'll never run out.

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.

Do you think the ocean is salty because the beach never waves back?

What do you call a broken pencil? Never mind, it's pointless!

Person 1: "Where was Hiroshima?"

Person 2: "In Japan."

Person 1: "No wonder! That's why they never saw it coming."