Why do pedophiles never win a race?
Because they are always coming in a little behind.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
Why do they never serve beer at a math party? - Because you can't drink and derive.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did they would always be falling asleep.
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
