My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
( Guy 1: Why my cat's so angry ? ) ( Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage ) ( Guy 1: Don't you ? ) ( Guy 2: Yeah it seems delicious ) ( Guy 1: Mmm so .. w-wait what are you doing ? I didn't think you mean the one in my lunch :< where are you leaving #_# ) **Meow ...** ( Guy 1: Shut up i will never feed you this sausage it's not for you :< -_- </3 )
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip and he died that was the last thing we did together and I will never forget his last words “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS”
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife in his car and know one could see him. He threw the body out the car and thew the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife is dead and to come to the sene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops amediently arrested him. Why? ANSWER: The cops never said qhere the sene of the crime is.
Why can you never find a virgin cow on a field with no bulls for miles? Just ask the redneck farmer
I see some objects over there... oh never mind, that's a woman.
Stormtroopers- I guess they never miss huh?
I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back. ANDI still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES.
Why did Stephen Hawking cross the street
He didn’t he never did
Why did the car key never fit in? He was too door key.
Everyone is saying about head and shoulders and that he never had a shower his batteries would have got wet
id tell you a joke about infenity but im afrad it never end
Once I went to a museum and over heard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"oh cool"
"this is mother Teresa's clock, the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense"
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
I would make a disabled joke But they never work
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
So I am an emo dude so I sit in the back of the class and I talk to no one.But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me so I just ignored him.Then he got really pissed off and said “I’m gonna kill you”.I was like “Your gonna kill me just because I ignored you, is your ego that big, wow.”He left then the next day he brought his goons with him and said “now your dead” I ignored him again and he said “you will pay for this.”So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house then him and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died so I kept on walking.I had some rope traps set.This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emo’s.We have ropes everywhere.
My boyfriend recently asked me to suck his cock, I was kinda nervous because I’ve never tasted a dick but he said it doesn’t taste that bad so I’ll give it a shot
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
