Need jokes

7 year old Christian: *walks up to atheist menacingly* YoU nEeD sOmE jEsUs SaViNg!

Atheist: You prey to a Jewish zombie and I need saving?

When your mom says, "Go to bed," but you reply with, "But Mom, I need help because it is inside, but we are outside."

Where do sex addicts go when they need to talk? Hoe-and-Tell.

Yo mama so fat that she needs 12 queen size mattresses to go to sleep.

There was a person inside who needed help from the police, but the police changed their number, so he ordered a party with pizzas from 2 airplanes, but the pilots were stupid, so they put people instead of pizzas, and one landed on the 93rd floor and the 94th floor, literally.

What type of file do you need to turn a 14 centimeter hole into a 40 centimeter hole?

A pedophile.

Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.

Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”

What did the twin tower say to the other?

"I need to catch this plane."

One day my girlfriend and I were just hanging out and she needed to tell our dad that we were going out.

One day I was very happy. I managed to win the lottery and receive a free vacation trip to Saudi Arabia!

Everything was going well until suddenly the FRAUD appeared! It was him, PRISTIANO PENALDO! He dived toward me and grabbed my lottery ticket. I asked him why he is doing this, only for him to reply "I need trip to Saudi Arabia to statpad the PENS!" as he dived back through my window.

Shame on you for stealing my vacation and ruining my day! You are no longer my Idol Pristianooooo!

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? One, you just need to throw it hard enough.

Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?

Because its head is so far away from its body.

Why are hospitals always freezing?

They need to keep the vegetables cold.

Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?

Tj: Good... you?

Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one 😉!

Tj: 😏.

Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!

Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?

Gwen: 🙁 No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! 😁.

Tj: NO!!!!!!

1 day later.

Gwen: 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤰🤰🤰👩‍👧‍👦

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture, unfortunately.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.

Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!