My jokes

I had problems milking my cow one morning. It was an udder failure.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

My life.

My life who?

My life is depressing...

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.

Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.

Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.

Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?

Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.

Police: ... Child: 😊

Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*

Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.

What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?

My dick.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

I still remember my grandpa's last words; "Is that loaded?"

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?

My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.

Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."

Off the nearby cliff.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.