My jokes
I called my dog 5 miles.
Today, I fawn over my miles.
Ya, I have a Hydro Flask.
H: My Y: Grandpa D: Sticks R: His O: Cock F: Up L: My A: Ass S: K:
My blind friend got ran over by a parked car.
Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.
As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.
Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
My friend misspelled "Mexico" and got here.
He sucked his sister's poop hole.
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.
You know Hitler loves you when he comes up to you on Valentine's Day and he says, "Will you be my Valenein?"
One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?
My wife left me yesterday.
I haven't talked to the kids in a year.
Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.
Me: I can only see fat.
My brother likes his Vegemite so black, it stole our car.
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
Some dude: Water you thinking?
Me: You're drowning in my head.
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,
It's great being a sniper.
OWWWWWWWWWWW I JUST GOT A CUT ON MY BUTT. Oh wait, that’s always been there.
Ah, son of a bitch, I got the truth stuck on my shoe?!?!
The truth: Breast feeding is like having long sex with your baby. God dammit, I hate the truth!