My jokes
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex's there.
911 jokes usually go over my head.
Then it hits me.
What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?
Nothing, I cut both of them.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
I just wanted to say...
These disabled jokes are quite offensive. I'm not disabled in any way, but people reading might be affected in many ways. Yes, some of them are amusing, but there's a difference between having a joke and being plain rude.
Please take my feedback into account. Thanks!
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks.
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.