My jokes

Autopsy

  • I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

    We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

  • 0
  • Porn

  • I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

  • 17
  • Self Harm

  • I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

  • 2
  • Pill

  • Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

  • 25
  • Dad

  • You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

  • 4
  • Surgery

  • A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

  • 7
  • Glue stick

  • The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

  • 12
  • Wife

  • Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

  • 11
  • Thyme

  • I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

  • 2
  • Parent

  • When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

  • 7
  • Roast

  • 1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

    2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

    3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

  • 8
  • Carrot

  • So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

  • 6