My jokes

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

My girlfriend's a porn star.

She'd kill me if she found out.

If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday.

The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the whole time.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰

I wish I could be as visible as my depression is.

These are all of my terrible jokes.

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing.

A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says, "Does this taste funny to you? I'm joking of course!"

Dejamoo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor "I can't feel my legs." The doctor said, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says, "Dam!"

A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out for a "small medium at large."

A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

Yo mama so fat that she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh.

A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart.

I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis.

A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart.

Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico.

What's green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels were a lie.

What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck.

Why couldn't the dinosaur break the wall? I don't know. I'm asking you.

Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.

There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It's an owl it can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey.