My jokes

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?

My arm: "I'M GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT!"

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Are you depression? 'Cause you're always on my mind~

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"