My jokes

What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!

They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.

Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

What does an orphan say a lot? "Where is my house?"

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Never talk about 9/11 to me. I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot ;(

Jesse: Do you like my ball?

Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?

Jesse: No, they do not leave me.

I'm sorry my jokes are so bad.

You: You are such a flick pain.

Me: You are flick pain to my sight.

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

Fortnite battle pass, I just shit out my ass. The school: You did what?

Why can't my grandma talk?

Because she's dead.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

You wonder where my dad is.

Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!

My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.