My jokes
Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
My favorite website.
Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.
What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.
He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?
Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.
I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.
Hey girl, are you a wizard? Because you cast lit in my Final Fantasy!
My mum's a carrot.
My teacher says no phones allowed. I say my phone is allowed because I’m nobody, Dania.
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.
I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.
To bitch them is my real test, to train them is my cause.
I will travel across the land, searching far and wide.
Fuse Pokemon to UnderStand, the power that’s inside.
Poke him on! Gotta train them all it’s Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you’re my best friend, In a world you must defend, Poke him on! Gotta train them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!! Gotta train them all, Gotta train them all! Pokemon!
My girlfriend is so fat that when she runs or walks, she falls, so I am breaking up with you.
🙍🏼♀️Fat girlfriend: Nooo, don’t leave me, catch me, ahhh!
🙇🏼♀️Fat girlfriend falls on boyfriend: Ahhhhhh *dump*
🙇🏼♀️🙇🏼Fat girlfriend and boyfriend: Fat girlfriend: U didn’t catch me wawawawa. Boyfriend: Get off me, 900 pounds, ugh, I hate u!
Story done. Please like.
Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
Roses are red, My c0ck is blue, Oh shit, what happened to you?
Wanna hear a short joke? Well duh, I mean that's why you're on here... Well, here one...
My life.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””
Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?
Wife: In a detective novel.