My jokes

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

My friend is a pimp.

I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

Why did the duck walk across the road? I lost my pecker!

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

2023- my dad is a cop.

1800- my dad owns your dad.

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

I was falling down the stairs at my local clock tower.

I somehow broke more than 206. I broke 342!

One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.

It got too out of hand and I got spanked.

I asked my friend what happened to him?

His balance shifted.

My dad has a pretty shitty job.

My grandfather killed Hitler.

Get it? Get it?

"UwU my balls says mommy."

"Wait, what?" says Jonny. "That's not my mommy!"

Jack is a ugly meany who’s not going to my birthday!

@ Kobe the person under my joke, your hairline is so bad that Kobe Bryant could've lived if he landed the helicopter on your forehead.

My classmates?

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.

He was fired from his job.