My jokes

Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.

Alright class, the person who answers my next question gets to go home.

Then a guy throws a pencil. The teacher asks, "Who threw that pencil?" "I did, I get to go home."

Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

My name is Devonair.

When I get a haircut, it's always bald.

Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."

My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*

I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.

Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.

My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

I’ll always remember my father’s last words: “I’m gonna sleep for a little.”

Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!

Can you be my daddy? 🍌😘😉

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH