My jokes

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

My brother was stuck in a wheelchair after a motorbike accident. He became a swimming champion until I took the VR headset off.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

As soon as I saw your mom, my Premature Ejaculation went off.

I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.

The best part? She don't talk back.

I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.

Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

I asked my friend, "Shouldn't we have 6 senses?"

He replied, "What is the 6th sense?"

"Common sense," I shot back while looking at the kid who was going to detention. "Never mind," I said.

I had a steering wheel down my pants, and I tell you what, it was driving my balls crazy!

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

When people ask my age, this is what I do.

“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”

My plants in my garden are like the Twin Towers; neither of them fell, just the flowers.

My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.

My boss found my permanent record at the orphanage, and he’s mad. I got fired...

My guy: I have a Q-Tip.

Me: You can Q my tip.

My guy: Ayo!

I traveled through time to get my dad back.

I failed because I was 1e21 years off.

I have said a ton of jokes in my lifetime.

But I got fired from that job.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.