My jokes
I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My science teacher was talking about natural selection.
At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.
If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."
"There are 20 letters in the alphabet, correct?"
"No, it's 26."
"Oh, I forgot, you are a cutie."
"You're missing one more."
"I'll give you the D later."
"....come to my office at 1pm ASAP."
My uncle died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.
I laughed at my life so hard.
My balls.
One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"
The joke I'm telling is my brother, Joey.
A book just fell on my head. I’ve got only my shelf to blame!
I shidded out my baby, then became a fish.
One day I went to talk to my friend.
"Hi John!" I said.
No response.
"Oh, yeah."
I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.
"Hope that helps!"
My friend is an emo. I asked why he wears black. He said, "Black like my soul." I just walked away.
My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.
I worry about him sometimes.
I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.
Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."
True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.
What's the difference between me and an orphan?
At least my dad came back.
My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.