My jokes

Read my name.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I left my Avatar at home today.

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

What did the parent say to M.J.?

"Get off my kid!"

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.

Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(

I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

What do you call a green camel?

My parents left me.

My favorite Pixar film: Wall-E.

My Butterfingers slipped.

My friend tried to sleep on napkins.

I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.

Friend: Do you know him?

Other Friend: Know who?

Friend: My dick!

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

From the wise words of my friend, "You ain't a man 'til you had a man."

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

My social life.