My jokes

Me: "Hey, get my joke on that timeline."

Her: "No."

My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!

My favorite book is "Brown Spots on the Ceiling" by Ho Fung Poo.

My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.

Listen, my brothers, if you see a photo of her with another person,

Just go to her house and shoot her with your AK47.

Your arms are open. They stretch towards me, Reaching, grabbing, pulling me, Surrounding me, Drowning me in my helplessness. Time standing still, inside here. Looking through windows, time passing by. Let me go, will ya?

If you make a joke about me, I'll tell my mom.

My enemy likes to act like he’s stupid sometimes, and so once he asked me what a sin was, and I responded with, “you.”

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

If my mom decides to get Chick-fil-A for dinner, and when I decide to eat my family for dinner, is that called cannibalism?

It smells like something died in my room, oh yeah, it's my dignity, hope, and my feeling. Put in the corner of my room, they make a decent blanket to wipe my tears.

Me and my emo group were walking down to the tree and somebody yelled, "Don't leave me!"

Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."

Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.

I think my dad loves jokes.

Because he laughs when he looks at me.

My birthday's on September 11th, I'm gonna turn the fuck up and throw a banger! Then rub my tits in birthday cake frosting!!! WOOOOOOOOO!