My jokes

Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey, get out of my sun!

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."