My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My Jokes
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.
Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.
what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
If I die, delete my search history.
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."
Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.
- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.
- How did the gay person die? Homicide.
- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.
- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.
Why hasn't my dad come back? No seriously, I'm not joking.
Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
What is red and looks like a zebra?
My arm. Hehhehehehe UwU
