My jokes

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey, get out of my sun!

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

Me: Man, I wish my clothes were emo.

Friend: Why?

Me: So they would hang themselves.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.

If I die, delete my search history.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!