My jokes

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

Me: Man, I wish my clothes were emo.

Friend: Why?

Me: So they would hang themselves.

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

If I die, delete my search history.

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.