My jokes
There lived a jackal in a forest. He did not get the day's food, so he was very hungry and wandered throughout the forest, but could not find any food. Finally, he decided to go to the city. As he was walking into the city, he heard some dogs bark. Soon, he found a group of dogs running towards him, so he rushed into a nearby house which belonged to a dyer and fell into a tub filled with blue dye. The dogs that were chasing him returned back as they could not find him. The jackal came out blue from the tub and went into the forest. Every animal in the forest was frightened to see a new animal. The jackal realized that all animals were afraid of him and took advantage of the situation. He called the animals towards him. The jackal said, "Oh my dear friends, I have been sent by gods in heaven to protect you all. I will be the king of this jungle." All the animals became very happy. Everyday they served him food and took care of all his needs. They came to him with all their problems and listened to what their king said. One day as the king jackal was sitting by the court, he heard a pack of jackals howling in the forest. For a long time, he had not heard these voices. He felt very happy, forgetting he was the king, he howled back immediately. All the animals knew who he really was and started chasing him in anger, but the jackal was already on the run.
Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?
Friends: What?
Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.
My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.
I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.
Onions was a good dog.
Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.
Mortar is like a woman's fanny; the more you play with it, the wetter it gets.
My tutor just said this quote of 2k18^^^
Pontypool is rough.
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Don’t worry, it’s too long.
I like my women like I like my scotch:
12 years old and mixed with coke.
My mom is bad and my dad is bad.
I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!
What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?
"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"
Hey Autocorrect- STOP TAMPERING WITH MY CURSE WORDS YOU MOTHERDUCKING FORKLIFT!
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
I had something about tripping over ice.
Well, it slipped my mind, so I'll just test some diamonds to see if they're ice.
I think democracy is a scam. I love men and I love you. I love men and I love you. I love my dog. He won't sleep inside and I shitted my pants. I peed my pants. I smell bad. I took a shower and my dog was like, "Oh my god." I was like, "Oh." I was like, "Oh my god," and then I was like, "I shitted again" and he was like, "Bark bark," cause he's a dog. Thanks for listening.
I like my women like I like my chocolate.
Edible.
I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂