My jokes

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

I hate family reunions.

I see too many of my ex's there.

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

1 like = 1 more child in my blender.

I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.