My jokes

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.

What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

They're both pointless.

I hate family reunions.

I see too many of my ex's there.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."