My Jokes

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

i was in cooking class and my teacher said - does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?

me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

long story short the teacher understood the joke and now we are both in daily therapy 😭💀

The other day me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts I was wearing a black top she was wearing a stripy top we were arguing abt who was more creative when she asked to prove that I am I just said "u buy ur stripes, I make mine"

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They're both pointless.

My memes are ironic but my depression is chronic.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either sense 2005

Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can't." Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)" Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019,2020 and 2021!

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, i cant wait to meet him 🥰🥰🥰

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary