My jokes

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

They're both pointless.

My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering.

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.