My jokes

My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

They're both pointless.

My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.