My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
1 like = 1 more child in my blender
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They're both pointless.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.
My memes are ironic but my depression is chronic.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either sense 2005
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again
Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can't." Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)" Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."
My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, i cant wait to meet him 🥰🥰🥰
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019,2020 and 2021!
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
The other day me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts I was wearing a black top she was wearing a stripy top we were arguing abt who was more creative when she asked to prove that I am I just said "u buy ur stripes, I make mine"
There are going so many things through my head. Sadly none of it is a 9mm.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
