My jokes

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.

I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."