My Jokes

you know what really gets me under my skin when im down? sharpener blades

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I ́m still choosing." She looked horrified.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work...

He’s a suicide bomber.

To whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions decisions...

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. "next to mine" was not the answer i was expecting

Are you suicide, cause you're always on my mind

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.