My jokes

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I got a PS5 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.

I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.