My jokes

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

"There are 20 letters in the alphabet, correct?"

"No, it's 26."

"Oh, I forgot, you are a cutie."

"You're missing one more."

"I'll give you the D later."

"....come to my office at 1pm ASAP."

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

My favorite Pixar film: Wall-E.

One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...

My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good. He died during 9/11.

my grandfather cant a woman's taco anymore cause his balls fell off from getting to many tacos

Your taste in men is like my taste in humor: dark.

My pits are hairy, but my I can carry.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

Am I doing my work? Because typing this took lots of work.

I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!

Everyone makes mistakes. Like my mom, she made a mistake 13 years ago.

I didn’t realize I had to put jokes into categories, my bad.

Unleash the jokers...👍