My dad is like my depression you need a suicide letter to find him
My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
If depression is going to be my girlfriend. Will she leave me?
Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.
My best friend looked at my arms and said “stop sh it’s bad” then turns right around and says “you look like a tiger”
so from here on out i am now Finn the self harming tiger
I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it.
My arm: IM GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.... The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
*Principal:* What is 3+3?
*Boy:* 6.
*Principal:* 6+6.
*Boy:* 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
*Boy:* Legs.
*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?
*Boy:* Pockets.
*Madam:* What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
*Boy:* Coconut.
*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
*Boy:* Bubble gum.
*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
*Boy:* Tent.
*The principal was looking restless*
*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
*Boy:* Wedding ring.
*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
*Boy:* Nose.
*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
*Boy:* Arrow.
*Principal:* O MY GOD.
*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
*Boy:* Fork.
*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
*Boy:* Surname.
*Principal:* Ohooo !
*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
*Boy:* Heart.
*Principal:* Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest "Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired"
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.
I was watching my daughter at a park she was playing with a few people another parent came up to me and said which was is yours, just for fun i said "i am still choosing" she looked horrified
The teacher asks her class "What is sex?" and Little Jonny stands up and says "sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?" and the teacher fainted.
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
Father : I don't trust you, You poured your seed in my daughter's belly,. Son : But Paah you can't fire me. Father: You're lucky you're my brother too or I'd kill you.
