My jokes

Your butt is bigger than my ex-girlfriend's butt, and I love it!

Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

Once I was riding my bike and saw a $5. I jumped off and died.

2023- my dad is a cop.

1800- my dad owns your dad.

My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?

Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

Roses are red, grass is greener.

When I think of you, I play with my weiner.

My grandfather said that ppl rely on technology too much these days, so I thought about what he said and decided to unplug his life support.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.

The best part? She don't talk back.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

My best friend is an orphan, and we try to have sleepovers, but his parents never say yes.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.