My jokes

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂

Man: What's up?

Me: I'm annoyed.

Man: Why?

Me: I stole my gf's heart.

Man: So why are you annoyed?

Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

If depression is going to be my girlfriend, will she leave me?

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."

People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

What's the difference between my thighs and my eyebrows? Nothing, I slit both of them.

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut itself.

The teacher asks her class, "What is sex?" and Little Jonny stands up and says, "Sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?" and the teacher fainted.

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.