My jokes

A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.

The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.

Who else liked the part in Morbius when he said his catchphrase "IT'S MORBIN' TIME" and MORBED over everyone? In my theater we had a standing ovation!

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

Me: "What are you doing??"

Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

Me: "I don't know."

Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

Don't bully kids.

I killed myself, then woke up.

Have anyone seen my balls? I can't find them on my chest.

Hey! My balls are on your thing!

My balls when I see Tazzaro: boioioioioioing.

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

My girlfriend asked for a kiss, so I gave her my dick.

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

My balls are so purple that I use them as crayons, and I am not talking about the balls you play with. I am talking about the boy balls.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

I think I found the worst joke in life. For me, it's that I have always been unwanted and alone for my whole life, and I've never even been in a relationship with anyone, and I'm 31 years old, and I also know that deep down, I'm always going to be alone and unhappy. All I get out of life is seeing everyone else with someone and knowing it will never happen for me. I think that's the worst joke I can think of... LIFE.

Still living when you know you'll never find someone to be with.

I apologize with the wording to this; it's another thing I am a failure at.

Feel free to comment.

I talk about the girls in my math class simping over anime characters and making random ships as well as for Miraculous Ladybug children's show, whatever the show is called, but it's a kids show. 💀 Now they’re searching up pictures of Tom Holland laughing in their absolute weirdness.

I like Tom Holland, but these kids man, they like him like they’re in a relationship. They might as well start kissing and licking the screen. They’re probably writing fanfictions in their free time when they aren’t searching up kids show characters, anime characters, and Tom Holland pics on their SCHOOL CHROMEBOOK. Their only device choice was a school-provided laptop which is monitored by the school while they are writing fan fictions on Google Docs and searching up some weird Tom Holland stuff. Imagine how Tom Holland would feel if he found out that there are 11 year old girls searching up some weird stuff about him.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.

Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.

Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.

Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.

My life is like... the shoe rack-