My jokes

Merry Christmas, my fellow hoes!

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.

But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

My love life.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"

Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.