My jokes

What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"

My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?

They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"

What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.

I know this isn't the real chicken wing song, but my version...

"Chicken wing, chicken wing, I want your mommy. Slap her with my hairy salami while she's still yawning."

Make your own chicken wing song and put it in the comments... :)

I named my iPod "Titanic." It's syncing now.

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis.

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.